No Soliciting (except if it's really late at night and you're high on meth)

I posted this as a reponse to a fiery letter from Stupidramblings. But I thought it was interesting enough to be on my blog, too, so here is what happened to me yesterday. No trees were killed in the posting of this entry.

I have a lovely 'No Soliciting' sign made with a sharpie on a 3'x5' card - I usually have to make a new one when I see the evil solicitors soliciting evil in my neighborhood, because it embarasses my husband, and he sometimes takes it down and throws it away. But, yesterday, it was on, and still, at 9:57 PM, we get a knock on the door from a skanky girl totally strung out on meth trying to get us to buy carpet cleaning THAT NIGHT - because they're in our neighborhood and she needs more points to win the trip to Vegas, where she can hang out with other evil solicitors and do meth. So, I conveniently lie and say that we only have hardwoods, and she says her carpet cleaner cleans those, too, and she needs one more tonight, and I know she'e thinking about the meth, not the all purpose floor cleaning machine, so I'm starting to get worried that this is really a home invasion robbery, and all the kids are awake, peeking at the meth-addict solicitor skank, and finally we say "No, thanks," and close the door on her and then lock it. And the deadbolt, too, because you can never be too safe. And I hate her. And Jesus loves her and probably would have invited her in, and tried to get her off meth and help her find a real job where thay pay in cash, not a mixture of narcotics and points toward a trip to Vegas, but I just locked the door and fumed at the STUPIDITY. Then I calmed down, made some Lemon Zinger, and went to bed. One more reason I'm going to Hell, which will be populated with me and a lot of solicitors.

Can you help me? I'm BENT!

Those of you who know me know that I am a pretty happy, optimistic person. The words bubbly, cute, silly and fun usually apply to me. But today I am totally pissy! Yes, I am! And I have created a list of:

REASONS THAT I AM ALL BENT!

1. Potty trained three-years-and-10-months old daughter suddenly thinks the use of the toilet is optional. This is not a random go-in-the-backyard kind of thing, but a 4 or 5 time a week needs-an-emergency-bath kind of thing. Eww.

2. My fridge smells bad. Real bad. (But on a positive note, I guarantee that above mentioned potty-impaired daughter had nothing to do with it)

3. Last night, I made an impassioned speech to my fellow commission members, being empowered, brilliant and 100% right, and no one changed their mind. Nope. No one. I was the lone wolf. And I think they think I'm shrill and witchy instead of brilliant. What is up with that?

4. My gas light has been on for two days, and direct deposit doesn't make it in until tomorrow. MUST...NOT...USE...CREDIT..CARD...HOLD ON!!!

5. Fake nails growing out -- make me look leperous.

6. 2006 may not really be the year of the moderates, and I fear that the ultra-conservatives will continue to rule and reign. I actually read a debate about whether public education should exist. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, AND WHY ARE THEY BREATHING MY AIR?

7. My cute 7 year old, who has a rage thing going on (I secretly call him Mr Furious) displayed his anger control problem in front a new friend of mine, who may have gossip-like tendencies, who hung out on my lawn for an hour yesterday while I was supposed to be doing laundry, saying things like, "Wow, I had no idea he was so angry..."

8. I fear my laundry is breeding like rabbits, and it's starting to smell weird (see #1 and #7).

9. Just realized that I have had The Corpse Bride from the RedBox for approximately one hundred days. This may be the reason there is little money in the checking account.

AND....
10. Two-and-a-half words: Scout-O-Rama.

So, I am now actually feeling a little better, and may actually post a follow-up 'Reasons to be Happy' list in a few days. Thanks, blog that no one reads, for letting me vent.